How can you be comfortably uncomfortable in your own skin?
This is Who I Am
A seasoned leader got the results of his leadership 360 and was confused by one thing.
“I’m still hearing that people think I’m not decisive enough,” he said. It was something he’d heard even before the 360 interviews we conducted.
“I can see why people think I don’t make decisions quickly enough,” he continued. “But I’ve been successful this far in my career because I’m good at consensus building and getting input. That’s just who I am, and it’s working for me.”
Then he got right to the heart of the issue and said: “I don’t think I can be more decisive without pretending to be someone else. And yet I want to grow and improve. I just don’t see how I can do both.”
- These are exactly the sort of complex challenges we tackle in our free, 1-hour Adaptive Accelerator.
The Paradox
This leader has run into something called the “Authenticity Paradox,” which has been discussed for well over a decade already. You need to be your authentic self, but you also need to stop being that version of yourself. In short, you need to find a way to authentically be someone new.
For many people, being told “You need to change” is an automatic trigger, of…something. For those of us who lean more toward people-pleasing, it may trigger motivation to accept the advice and start taking action on that change. For those of us who lean more the other way, it might trigger resistance, possibly including: “Well even if I wanted to before, now I won’t.”
Whichever way you lean (and it’s a good idea to know if you do have a leaning), there will come a time when you might want to change but worry you’ll lose something important about your identity.
Common examples we see are:
- “I need to speak up more in meetings, but I’m someone who thinks before I talk.”
- “I need to be more visionary, but what makes me valuable is my attention to details.”
- “I need to give harder feedback, but I’m a caring person who hates to hurt people.”
- “I need to slow down and listen more, but my value-add is that I’m a fast mover who gets things done.”
- “I need to be more politically savvy, but I’m just a straight-forward person.”
- “I need to show more confidence, but I’m just…not.”
Those examples are the Authenticity Paradox in action. It most often leads to: nothing. The change won’t happen, because your identity inertia outweighs the inspiration for growth.
If you feel like this, you may be stuck in the authenticity paradox:
- “They expect me to do something I can’t, but I should try anyway.”
- “I know ____ would be better, but that’s just not me.”
These are the symptoms, now what’s a good treatment?
The 3C Solution
Amazingly, the solution is to expand your identity (even if ever so slightly) to include the 3Cs. Imagine how it would sound to say, “I need to change, but Curious, Courageous, and Caring is just who I am.”
Perfect!
That’s who you need to be to make this change. You’re a 3C leader who does this sort of thing all the time. That’s a much better identity for embracing adaptive change.
That leader at the beginning of the article who needed to be more decisive, actually needed to be more Curious about what decisive could look like, Courageous to try something slightly uncomfortable, while continuing to Care about getting the input and consensus that he naturally does so well.
Here are some questions you can ask when you face this kind of paradox:
Curiosity
- What do I believe is an essential part of my identity that I’ve not completely tested?
- Is this a genuine limitation, or a story I’ve been telling myself?
- How could my definition of authenticity be expanded to include this new direction?
Courage
- What’s one step I keep avoiding because it doesn’t feel like “me”?
- What would I do differently if I weren’t worried about seeming inconsistent?
- Where am I using “authentic to myself” as a reason not to grow?
Care
- How can I keep my high standards for relationships around me while moving into uncharted personal growth territory?
- Is my self-care helping me show up better, or keeping me from showing up?
- Where is compassion for myself turning into an excuse to avoid growth?
Being Comfortably Uncomfortable
One bonus thought in closing: What happens when “that’s not me” is one of the 3Cs?
- I’m just not naturally Curious
- I’m not a Courageous person
- Caring? That’s not me
Believe it or not, we’ve encountered variations of all those. The solution is to lean into the strongest of your 3Cs to explore the weaker one. For example, if you think you’re highly Caring but not a very Courageous person, you should ask: “How could my strong Care actually fuel growth in Courage?”
You’ll notice quickly that the weaker C isn’t completely non-existent, you’re just looking at a version of the Authenticity Paradox in slightly different clothing.
If you find one of the 3Cs as your lever, then start to explore the edges of assumptions you might not have even noticed before, you’ll find you can start to make rapid, small, and authentic changes that accumulate to a genuinely new you.
The Adaptive Accelerator™
This is exactly the sort of exciting, deep work we do with leaders in our free 1-hour Adaptive Accelerator™ program. If you’d like to make a fast and lasting change to flex your adaptivity, join us online or in person near you.
Next Steps?
Not quite ready for the whole experience? Try our 3-minute free Adaptive Snapshot for immediate insight and specific advice on your own 3Cs.
